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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.