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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.