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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Girls just wanna have funds.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"