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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol