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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Yes, your opinion matters ... But not to me.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
My misery likes tequila, not company.