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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.