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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.