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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.