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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches