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You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I drink coffee for your protection.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?