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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.