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My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Gun Control: Use both hands
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.