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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like