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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.