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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...