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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?