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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.