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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.