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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
Question everything...Or should you?
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"