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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.