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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.