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Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.