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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I`m perfect you adjust.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.