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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.