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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."