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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.