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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.