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I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Question everything...Or should you?
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.