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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
“The darndest things.” -kids
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`