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Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole