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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
No great story started with someone drinking water.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!