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Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.