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off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
Iād steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.