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How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.