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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.