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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.