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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?