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According to my nipples, summer is over
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.