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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.