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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY