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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Soup of the day: Beer
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake