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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!