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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
It needs more cowbell!!
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.