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60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.