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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC