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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.