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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.