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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.