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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
A man is as faithful as his options
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?