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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.