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When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Marriage tip: Don`t
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!