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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.