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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.