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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.