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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
It needs more cowbell!!
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store