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There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.