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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”