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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.