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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late