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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.