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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..