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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.