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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.