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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Before the internet I used to like people.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.