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I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.