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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?