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People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?