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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?