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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.