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Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.