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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”