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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”