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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
A court date is still technically a date, right?
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.