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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.