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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.