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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?