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Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic