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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
A wise man, will often say nothing
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is